blocked

weary
a 3D study for a painting- Weary

So I am blocked. I am blocked against writing, against painting, pretty much against everything creative. even my cooking has less flair. every time one of these massive blocks happen I get a surge of fear ‘is this it? was that all I got? am I going to be in the dark now forever?’ and of course it never is, the blocks go away after a while and my works are, if anything, better for the break. but the knowledge that it will end does nothing for the frustration, just like knowing that winter will eventually end.

but deep in my heart I know that sometimes things don’t go away. sometimes pain is there forever. and the niggling fear is that, like my chronic pain, this block will stick around forever. I know it’s not the case, it’s unrelenting exhaustion and emotional upheavals that have brought me to this point, just like pretty much every other time. I tend to work in a frenzy, painting, sketching, working on 3d models, lodging submissions, writing here, keeping all my fingers in all the pies. then, eventually it all becomes too much and my body forces me to take a break. I can’t do anything, even twittering and staying active on facebook is too much to bear.

I know that I should embrace this cyclic part of myself, it’s always been the case. but since the accident I guess I’ve been more and more aware of time, and the lack thereof. and how much I wasted previously when I should have been doing what I loved. and I feel like every minute that I’m not working is time stolen from my career in some way. In reality, forcing out crap work and pushing myself so that I am bedridden from pain is going to do much worse things for my career than working in a cyclic pattern. but the two halves of my brain are forever at war on that. the project manager sees deadlines, time, milestones. the artist sees the ebb and flow of natural creativity.

there are some interesting projects in the works and about to start that I hope will rekindle my creativity. for now I need to ride out this storm. again.

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