Consternation – 12 x 12 Oils on Canvas

So I have to start going to therapy soon. as part of my pain management I need to see the pain psych to treat my anxiety and depression issues. this is not something I want to do. apart from the fact that I can think of nothing worse than griping for an hour and then being told to go on mind numbing drugs, I really don’t want to dredge up all my old issues. They’ve suggested that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that with counseling I could do really well. I think I’m probably fine as is (as long as I avoid certain triggers!)

I’m a burier. I like to suppress my problems and eventually paint about them. over the years I’ve come to terms with a lot of drama and I’ve reached a kind of understanding with myself. it may not be the healthy way or the right way but it works for me. most people are amazed that as a chronic pain sufferer I have few depression issues. the ones who know about all the other things that happened in my life to make me me are often really amazed that I am as sane as I am. but every time I have to rehash old ground, terrors and issues it gets harder and harder to reign in the crazy.

sometimes I wonder if I hold onto my issues because they give me fuel for my art. that if I were well adjusted and normal that my work would lose that emotive spark that everyone seems to like. I’ve seen some psychs in my day- some were good and others contributed to my traumas. but the picking at old wounds just causes them to fester it seems, rather than letting them close over and heal.