Self Destruction

There are times, when everything is going particularly well, when I start in on a self-destructive bent. I’m not aware that I’m doing it, I just stop trying. Like my blog, everything was going so well that I started to lose interest in writing, result – loss of readership and exposure. Like my art, I haven’t been painting enough even with all the great ideas I have. I am letting applications slip. There is a NY show that I have been looking forward to for ages, I’ve got an idea and a half done work, but I am afraid when i am in this state that I might let it slip and not send the work or something.

I don’t know why I do this. I have plenty of excuses, I’m in pain, I’m a bit depressed, I need to re-order my studio (a daunting task!), Liam is home so we have been doing stuff together, the list goes on. and they are all reasonable excuses but I wonder if there’s something more.

This condition is a very difficult one to live with. Most of the resources about it are suicide related and my particular case is not only rare but severe because of it’s location. I don’t want to whinge, but sometimes I just want to give up.

Art really does help me. It helps focus my energies on something, I feel less pain when I am painting, and I use my time when i am flat on my back, unable to do anything, to work on my career building.

I seem to work best when there is a goal, I try to set them for myself, but every so often it just all becomes too much. I want to succeed in this more than anything so it hurts me when I notice I am self destructive. hopefully by identifying this I can stop the loop and move on.

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One thought on “Self Destruction

  1. Oh Jennie, I wish I could give you a big hug! You are putting way too much pressure on yourself! We think you are successful and you’ve been doing so well. You’re allowed to go through the lows as well as the ups. Give yourself permission to whinge/bitch/get angry…

    And when you are at your lowest.. Remember bj’s, bj’s, bj’s… 😉

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