There are times, when everything is going particularly well, when I start in on a self-destructive bent. I’m not aware that I’m doing it, I just stop trying. Like my blog, everything was going so well that I started to lose interest in writing, result – loss of readership and exposure. Like my art, I haven’t been painting enough even with all the great ideas I have. I am letting applications slip. There is a NY show that I have been looking forward to for ages, I’ve got an idea and a half done work, but I am afraid when i am in this state that I might let it slip and not send the work or something.
I don’t know why I do this. I have plenty of excuses, I’m in pain, I’m a bit depressed, I need to re-order my studio (a daunting task!), Liam is home so we have been doing stuff together, the list goes on. and they are all reasonable excuses but I wonder if there’s something more.
This condition is a very difficult one to live with. Most of the resources about it are suicide related and my particular case is not only rare but severe because of it’s location. I don’t want to whinge, but sometimes I just want to give up.
Art really does help me. It helps focus my energies on something, I feel less pain when I am painting, and I use my time when i am flat on my back, unable to do anything, to work on my career building.
I seem to work best when there is a goal, I try to set them for myself, but every so often it just all becomes too much. I want to succeed in this more than anything so it hurts me when I notice I am self destructive. hopefully by identifying this I can stop the loop and move on.